This blog is one that is a hard thing to write about and some people will find this triggering so please if you too are a abuse survivor please read this with caution.
As i have mentioned on this blog before as a child i endured abuse of all kinds. From Mental – Emotional & Physical – Sexual …. This is apart of my life i hate and wish i could forget however its not something i can just turn off.
As i have grown up & gotten away from the situation i was in i have had to live with the effects of this and i still do to this very day. Today i share just a little bit of my journey and how hard it still is to live a normal life even though i am out of the situation.
I wont be going into detail’s about who how or when as that information is not important. What matters is that at a very young age i had my trust broken in many ways by many people making it very hard to trust people today.
Growing up your innocent you trust everyone you dont realize that the world has horrible people in it who want to hurt you. You believe the world is rainbow’s and butterflies but unfortunately that is not always the case. There are some horrible people out there who just want to hurt you for their own reasons.
As a child a man i looked up too broke my trust , Personal space , My faith , My life…………. This person was a role model in my life and due to personal background hated me and one day it all changed…. Things went very dark and things have never been the same. Gone was the innocent girl who loved the world instead a scared , lost & broken girl was created. I lived with things that i should never have had to live with for 4 years then i moved away……….
Since moving away i have spoken of the horrible things that have happened to be labeled a lair and an attention seeker…. The people closest to me believing him over me….. Family torn apart …. Childhood ruined forever and a young adult desperate for a life where she was not hurt……. Alone lost scared out in the big world that is what i faced at 15 years old……..
Struggling to trust any man…. Hating any male convinced they too would hurt me… Convinced i would forever be alone… Untill i meet my now husband… And that was a tough journey learning to trust him and know he would not hurt me all the time i had not said what i had been through because i was afraid of being told i was lying… Through him and the family i gained by meeting him i learned not all males are bad some are caring some love you and dont want to hurt you. Although i learned to trust it was all ruined again not long later.
Your mind is an amazing thing… It blocks so much hurt and protects you until it cant no more…. About 2 years ago my mind reached a point where it could not hold it in no more and the full truth of what i went through came to light…… Each night i would lay down to bed hit with another flash back and another and another of what i went through i would lie awake crying and saying to myself WHY??? Why me? what did i do? Why did i have to end up broken?
Because of these flashbacks i started to feel scared again….. I started to not trust any male including my husband… I knew i was safe but the flashbacks make you feel so little and so weak that things are just out of control………. I learned to trust my husband again quite quickly but still to this day i have issues with other males in my life….. Sometimes its something they say , a way they look or just the fact they are male….. Sometimes i just cant be around anyone except females and my husband…… The scars that this has caused me will last forever i will always struggle with male relationships… But i am lucky to have some super awesome males in my life that restore my faith in men….. They are not all creeps and out to hurt you!!
The hardest thing for me is feeling unsafe around males and having to make up excuses for not being alone with males or hurting their feelings by saying i cant be around them alone…. Its not a personal thing again them its something i cant change i was hurt badly and for the rest of my life i will suffer with this pain……. All i can do is cope the best i can…..
I once was a super broken girl now a partially broken girl getting put back together one step at a time.
This post is a bit of a ramble as its hard to explain my feelings without naming details but the moral of the story is you are only stuck for as long as you want to be! Get out of the situation find the right people and move forward! Be strong! Be Awesome and be a survivor not a victim…. The people who hurt people the way i have been hurt get the satisfaction from ruining your whole life dont let them!!! Trust again! Just find the right ones to trust!!!
If this blog has hit home for you and your struggling make sure you reach out to the right people! Dont suffer alone! And as always message me if you have any questions , Comments or need a listening ear…